Just when you thought he had finally vanished from your life, Mike Huckabee is back, with a powerful mouthpiece. Fox News has offered him a one-year sinecure and he has happily and greedily gobbled it up. Now we can all look forward to the floppy jowls, the lazy eye, and of course, obtuse generalizations and intellectually bankrupt assertions. The poor stupid halfwit.
There is one cosmically-acceptable scenario in which Mike Huckabee becomes the Republican nominee. It goes like this: McCain dies of old age and the Republican establishment rallies around Huckabee as the new nominee. However, this joy is both transient and bittersweet. Between now and November, for every pound of the 110 he famously lost, he gains two. His life becomes one of exquisite pain and humiliation as he loses every debate, contracts diabetes and gets throttled by Obama in the largest electoral landslide in American history. After staggering to the podium to give his concession speech on election night, this morbidly obese monstrosity can barely force out a corny joke before he is toppled to the ground by massive cardiac arrest.
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