That Old Idiot

McCain had a serious edge in the entire Republican nomination process, thanks to five years spent in Southeast Asian agony, which made him invulnerable to focused criticism by his competitors. It was pretty sickening to see how fawningly Huckabee and (especially) Giuliani fell all over themselves to praise McCain, basically just using him as a social stepping stone to look good and respectful and American.

It's too bad, because McCain would be an absolute disaster if he wins the presidency. First of all, he's about 400 years old, and that's far too old to be running a country, especially one in the 21st century. He's so hopelessly out of touch, I don't even know where to start. McCain looks like he's had 4 or 5 facelifts; that or the stress from all those years in a bamboo cage has made his face melt off. He's stiff all over, and looked especially bad when, during the debates, he couldn't hear the questions, and came off as an old dusty bag of bones. Just a senile old man, hungry for war.

When McCain smiles, it's like a large, invisible Geppetto is smearing the lower part of his face open. I can't really blame him for not being able to smile like the rest of us, what with the memories of his tormentors as a constant nightmare. Still, he shouldn't be given a free pass just because he was having his back carved out with a dull spoon while his competitors, first Republican and now Democratic, were smart enough to avoid getting neck-deep in The Shit.

McCain has the particular misfortune of having to go up against a candidate who underscores his severe limitations and strategy. McCain's rhetoric can be encapsulated in the following sentence:

"I'm not great; I'm not even good — I am, however, very, very old."

His entire approach is one of cautious and measured stupidity.

True Terror

Since the media can't seem to stop the narcissistic coverage of Tim Russert's highly preventable death, I thought I'd take a look back at a truly terrifying man, who for a short moment in history was the favorite to win the Presidency.

His name is Rudy Giuliani, and he would have been nothing less than a total disaster as President. First off, he's got a slushy-sounding lateral lisp, which strips him of any ethos as soon as he opens his mouth. And when he smiles, he shows way too much upper-teeth, and no upper-lip at all, which gives him something of a horse-face. And when he had all that makeup on for the debates, his eyes got pulled way up and darkened and with his sharp nose and weird ears he looked like the count from Sesame Street.

He was thoroughly repulsive on a few different levels. And yet he still, somehow, ingratiated himself to millions of people, for a little while. The bubble did burst, thank God, but he may not be gone — if McCain wins the Presidency, don't be surprised if you see this evil man in the role of Attorney General or Secretary of Homeland Security. Never in my life have seen a man who should be given less power than Rudy Giuliani; he shouldn't even be allowed to tie his shoelaces.

Huck's Back

Just when you thought he had finally vanished from your life, Mike Huckabee is back, with a powerful mouthpiece. Fox News has offered him a one-year sinecure and he has happily and greedily gobbled it up. Now we can all look forward to the floppy jowls, the lazy eye, and of course, obtuse generalizations and intellectually bankrupt assertions. The poor stupid halfwit.

There is one cosmically-acceptable scenario in which Mike Huckabee becomes the Republican nominee. It goes like this: McCain dies of old age and the Republican establishment rallies around Huckabee as the new nominee. However, this joy is both transient and bittersweet. Between now and November, for every pound of the 110 he famously lost, he gains two. His life becomes one of exquisite pain and humiliation as he loses every debate, contracts diabetes and gets throttled by Obama in the largest electoral landslide in American history. After staggering to the podium to give his concession speech on election night, this morbidly obese monstrosity can barely force out a corny joke before he is toppled to the ground by massive cardiac arrest.

Goodbye, Great Pumpkin

The news of the day is that Tim Russert is dead. There was nothing quite like watching this pumpkinman pour tough questions onto presidential candidates while squinting at them through his beady eyes in that great gourd of a head. Alas, the Devil will not be denied his due.

If there is any justice in this wide world, he will be interred in a pumpkin field. He would be at one with his pumpkinfolk, no longer misunderstood among us humans. Maybe then he would finally get answers to the questions that he asked all his life.

See you in hell, pumpkinhead!

Welcome

Greetings. My name is Elmer, and you're reading Huckabee's Fat — a tasteless but nonetheless satisfying take on the Italian circus that is American politics.

The primary purpose of this blog is to bring a nuanced eye to the peripheral and cosmetic traits of the American elect. Secondary purposes include re-casting character, grounding to reality, and situating within context.

I hope you enjoy what I have to say.